My heart is filled with hope. *loud POP sound*. Oh.

January 4, 2011 § 1 Comment

So, January. New Year. 2011. Changes. Resolutions. Time to return all those Christmas presents you didn’t like. Time to break up with your girlfriend (because doing so before or during holiday season is evil). Time to look up and have new life perspectives! Until December 21, 2012. Then, the world ends and who fucking cares that you’ve decided to stop smoking?

Thing is, every year since 2001, I’ve written my New Year’s resolution list before the beginning of the New Year. I hide it somewhere and only look at it when the year is done and I’m writing my new list. I check what has been done, like you would with a shopping list and I usually copy those (MANY) resolutions that were not accomplished.

There are some that are always there: learn how to play piano, write more often and every day, travel, fall in love (this one disappeared for a couple of years, but hey, LOOK WHO IS BACK). Sometimes I look at it and I forget what I had written in it, when the truth is that I should have actually kept it somewhere visible to remind me of promises made to myself.

Then again, that would imply other people seeing it and sometimes there are very private things in a New Year’s resolution list.

When it comes to the end of the year, the internet is filled with lists of Best this or Worst that of the year, blogs from people saying what they learned that year and what they did or didn’t and their prospects for the following 365 days. Some are fascinating, some are terrible. Some make me sad and some make me thoughtful. Twitter has been surprising in that aspect as matter of fact.

However, it makes me think of how I have no idea of what to write on my resolutions list this year. I don’t think I have ANY projects for 2011 because I have planned the first half of the year already and the rest is very undecided. I’m not even sure I WANT to plan that far ahead.

I used to plan. I used to make BIG plans for my future and I used to be that girl that your parents point and say “ah, see, you should be more like her. She has a great future ahead.”. I’ve heard SO MANY TIMES from people saying that I would become President of Brazil one day.

Then, yes, I got into University with a scholarship (Film Studies). I had a perfect boyfriend. I was going to study abroad as soon as he graduated. I had excellent grades. Half way through my studies, the perfect relationship ended but still graduated as top of my class, with the highest score. I was working in a production company with a lot of prospects and amazing directors. I had decided to move to London and live my dream of being a Londoner and meeting Mr fucking Darcy.

Done. Moved to London. Now, 2 years later, what do I have to show for? A Film Studies degree with high merit that is 2 years old. A job for 1 year and a half in a pub. No relationship or even the promise of a love in the past 3 years. A good grasp of the English language. No career. I’m leaving London because I’ve been defeated by the constant bureaucracy of the Home Office. A couple of really great friends made here. Seeing my sister grow through pictures and having no idea what’s going on with her pre-adolescent mind. Many friends in Brazil have been lost (due to distance, no one died). No prospects of ever becoming President. Going back home with barely any money and moving in with my parents.

I have nothing to show for and maybe because of it is why going back home to start a career seems like the right decision. Maybe it isn’t. I’m aware of that. I’m aware that maybe going back to Brazil will be fucking boring and I’ll regret it forever.

My only resolution for 2011 is having something to show for by the end of it. Or being on the path to do it. People come talk to me online and ask me advice and ask how life is in LONDON! OMG! LONDON! AMAZING! It is. London is absolutely amazing. If you have an EU passport. If you have at least the opportunity to make something of your life instead of working in a pub, that even though is full of great people, is not challenging enough for me. People back home – good friends of mine – keep telling me I should stay here. But really? 2 years is good enough to gain life experience and see new cultures but I don’t want to see my life pass by and see that all the dreams of doing something worthwhile with my time here have flown by because I don’t want to leave London.

Maybe it’s fear of actually starting life. Maybe it’s just an epiphany.
In the end what I wish for me – and for you – in 2011 is that you accomplish EVERYTHING you can. That you use all the potential you have and do something good with it. Something worthwhile.

Happy New Year. May the world not end in 2012. x

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§ One Response to My heart is filled with hope. *loud POP sound*. Oh.

  • Gisele says:

    Julia,

    Adoro ler o que vc escreve, pois vc escreve muito bem. Li este último post e me identifiquei. Passei e pensei exatamente por tudo o que vc escreveu e pelos mesmos motivos (a nao ser o fato de que eu tenho o EU passport)e resolvi voltar esse ano p/ cá p/ o Brasil e ainda grávida de 7 meses. Eu poderia esperar p/ o bebê nascer aí, já q o pai dele tem passaporte britânico. mas eu resolvi vir. Pq? Nao sei. E como nao estou trabalhando muito por estar no final da gravidez, ta super boring aqui e estou estranhando muito tudo e a todos e principalmente o fato de ter voltado a morar com os pais depois de 5 anos em Londres. Vou me mudar, mas por enquanto estou aqui.
    Concordo com tudo o que vc disse, mas é preciso coragem e vontade p/ se re-acostumar com a vida nesse país aqui, bem mais provinciano, se é que me entendes.
    Bom, só queria deixar meu relato aqui p/ q saibas q não é a única a passar por isso e tome a melhor decisão.
    Bjo!
    Gisele

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